Cell Phone Etiquette for Morons

So you have a cell phone? Okay, well good for you. I do too! Fancy, isn't it? But remember, there are some rules to remember when using that spiffy telecommunication device of yours in public:

1. You're not special because you have a cell phone. Small children and homeless people have cell phones. There are probably pets out there with cellular devices. Remember that when you're walking down the street barking orders like you're Donald Trump and thinking people are impressed. We're not.

2. Using a cell phone in a theater is the height of rudeness. Don't even dare convince yourself otherwise just because other people are doing it. People also pick their nose and urinate in their pants in public. Wanna follow that lead too?

That glow from your cellphone is extremely distracting to those around you. God forbid you simply try to be present and enjoy the show instead of recording crappy video that no one will watch.

3. Using your cell phone excessively in the following places is also rude, rude, rude: 

• Public transportation
• Restaurants
• Libraries (Come on...are you serious?)
• Church
• In a grocery store line (You're too close to me. I can't run from your inanity.)
• The beach (Is anything sacred? Can you just be in nature for ten damn minutes without a phone glued to your face?)

4. Annoying cell phone rings showcase your shallow personality. Just go with something simple. No one needs to know about your love of Rhianna's Umbrella, you know what I mean? Keep that a secret. And don't let it ring incessantly if you're not prepared to answer it. Turn the damn thing off and spare us Toby Keith or whatever weird shit you're into. 

5. It's a cell phone, not a walkie talkie. That means stop screaming or speaking unnaturally into it. Hearing your one-sided conversation is annoying enough; to hear it at high volume makes others want to pack their ears with broken glass.

6. Stop acting like your cell phone is your lifeline. Just because you have children does not mean you need your cellular device on 24/7 to prove your uber-protective parenting skills. Kids made it to adulthood prior to cell phones. If you turn off your phone for a blooming hour, the world will continue to turn and your spawn will continue to spawn, I promise.

The same applies to students in school who are encouraged to have their cell phones on during class "just in case of emergency." No, just learn for once in your one-dimensional life. Focus for a bloody second on something other than your gadget, you little techno-junkie.

7. If you're a chick in your 20's, give the human race a reason to believe in you. When you're in "Like, oh my god, I can't believe he sexted me last night!" high-pitch mode, you become a Barbie caricature of yourself and make us wonder what good you're serving on this planet. Chill out, reign in and experiment with the idea of something called depth.

8. Most of what you say is dull or ridiculous. Really. Nobody wants to hear your inane conversation about your little life. You think it's important, but that's because it's your little life. To the rest of us, its trivial overshare. "When Harry's prostate was enlarged, they put him on Flomax." What am I supposed to do with that little tidbit?

9. Stop carrying your cellphone near your balls. Seriously. Did you ever walk by a radio or computer with a cellphone in your hand? Do you hear how they pick up the electromagnetic... whatever? Do you want those cancer-causing waves radiating on your testicles or ovaries? Or the glands in your neck? Come on. Soon enough, they'll be called "cancer cell phones."

10. Shut up. Just shut up. Do you know how to be quiet sometimes? You know, where you just exist in the moment and keep your trap shut? Where the endless chatter inside your mind doesn't pour out of your mouth like a spewing sewage pipe? Try silence, just for kicks.

So there you go. A cold, hard post about the apparent that I never thought I'd have to write because, heck, I think people should naturally know this stuff. (I know, silly me.) But like the woman pictured at the top of the post (who was on her phone about 75% of the time during a live show I recently attended), apparently we all need to revisit the obvious.

So go forth. And shut up.