I'm romantically rusty. This is best evidenced in my current choice of footwear.
Nobody
wants to fuck a woman wearing clogs. Maybe the Dutch. Maybe. And unfortunately,
I've never been much for heels. The cautious type, I tend to wear shoes that
allow me to haul ass, whether it’s to catch a bus or outrun a serial killer. Basically,
I want my footwear to prepare me for the worst life has to offer.
But now that I'm in England for the next few months, these ugly-ass clogs have to go. And make room for penis. See, there's a guy I like here. It's a minor crush but enough to prove I still have a heart and pussy. This man I like (Maurice, as I'll call him) owns a little restaurant where I have breakfast a few times a week.
But now that I'm in England for the next few months, these ugly-ass clogs have to go. And make room for penis. See, there's a guy I like here. It's a minor crush but enough to prove I still have a heart and pussy. This man I like (Maurice, as I'll call him) owns a little restaurant where I have breakfast a few times a week.
I wasn't
even sure I liked him at first, that crushy feeling felt so foreign. Then I
found myself laughing a little too hard at his jokes and looking over my
newspaper to check out his fine ass in black jeans. The strange feeling in my
stomach? Not indigestion but butterflies. Wow...who knew they were
still possible?
So I
traded out the fuck-me-not clogs for a pair of boots I scored at a local
charity shop. Not super sexy per se...but sexier.
But
something still seemed wrong. With every encounter with Maurice, my brain turned
to mush. Clever thoughts turned into inane utterances that left him scratching
his head in confusion. Any elegance I thought I had was replaced with
clumsiness, including knocking a glass out of his hand one morning while I was
gesturing wildly about something or other.
And of
course, the language barrier didn't help. Don't let them fool you: Americans
and Brits share the language in theory only. In Northern England especially,
the dialect is thick and spoken quickly. This lead to even more awkward exchanges
and punch lines that only made sense in my head.
This
whole process started to feel painful, not fun. Even with improved footwear, I
felt like a pimply, stuttering teenager asking a boy to the Sadie Hawkins
dance.
So I
worked on more externals even more. But the act of beautification just
highlighted all the shitty ways I've been feeling about myself in the first
place. The expression "putting lipstick on a pig" came to mind but
that sounds too self-punitive. More like "putting lipstick on a lazy,
disillusioned yet horny middle-aged woman whose attempts to look attractive
feel like an insult to her threadbare soul."
No game,
no game at all. That's because the clogs on my feet weren't the problem. It was
the clogs in my head that kept me from getting lucky. I had turned
into a practical but sexless pair of shoes that are good to garden in and easy to slip
on when you're taking out the trash. Oh yeah, baby.
So why
keep trying when I felt so...blah inside? Because when the flirtation did work, when our eyes would connect
across the room, that chemistry blast felt amazing. Raw and enlivening,
attraction can pack the most deliciously pleasurable and life-affirming punch.
Also after
decades on this planet, I've come to realize that its often a good sign when
you feel stupid and vulnerable. It means shedding light in a darkened
corner of your being. You're trying and its not always meant to be pretty. Like
strengthening weak muscles, it’s supposed to hurt a little.
Last
week, dressed and coifed just a little more than one really needs to be for
breakfast, I fantasized about asking Maurice out. If I could just make a plan
with him, maybe I could get to the sex, where I would really shine. (Flirtation
might not be my forte, but I planned on getting real in bed. Seriously real.)
Just as I
prepared to get up from my table and walk toward him, Maurice's girlfriend walked into the restaurant. I watched them
kiss in that contented, casual way that happy couples do. My butterflies
were replaced with indigestion.
As I
walked home, I felt dejected and discouraged. But at the same time, strangely
relieved. Now I could now flirt with him more easily, knowing it wouldn't
amount to anything. He could be the training wheels on my bicycle ride back to
sexiness.
Self-esteem
is a tricky bag. We're made to believe bullshit platitudes like "Its only
when you love yourself that others can love you." But seriously, what the
fuck is self-love? Does anyone ever really experience it, other than sanctimonious
New Age types?
Love by its very nature, implies a recipient. Like one hand clapping, self-love seems theoretically flawed. A nebulous concept that seems to do more damage than good.
Love by its very nature, implies a recipient. Like one hand clapping, self-love seems theoretically flawed. A nebulous concept that seems to do more damage than good.
Like many
women, I don't often know my own power. I look at myself and know I'm
not horrid to look at or anything. Yet I can't imagine repeating I-love-you
into a mirror thinking it will make one lick of difference. I simply can't pretend to
feel better about myself than I do.
And I'm
learning to be okay with that. Not possessing something. Lacking in something.
Why force self-esteem where it doesn't exist?
The best
one I can currently hope for: occasional bouts of self-compassion and glimpses of self-acceptance as well as a growing awareness when self-hatred (an easier
concept to grasp than self-love unfortunately) tightens it gnarly grip around my throat.