Pussy on a Platter

"You know what your problem is?"

"Do tell, Clint?"

"You're giving your pussy away on a platter."

"My what on a what?"

"You're coming across as desperate."

"I am desperate."

My about-to-be ex-friend (and oldest brother of the Brothers) is explaining to me in his distinctly blunt way that giving some guy my number last week was a fail on my part.

"Was he supposed to hunt for it or some bullshit like that?"

"Exactly."

Silence.

"Get out."

And for the third time in a year, I throw Clint out of my house. He slinks down the steps like a lazy lizard, an unlit cigarette in mouth, mumbling something under his breath.

Clint looks like a bootleg Kurt Cobain with tangled blonde hair and crazy blue eyes. He’s handsome in that cavalier kinda way, like he could care less what he looks like and it makes him that much sexier. Because he’s a little older than the other brothers, I often rely on him for maybe an ounce of maturity. This wasn’t going to happen today.

The thing he doesn’t get is that I’m an outlier here. Single 40-something female with no children in a bland shore-based suburbia.

She must be a weirdo or a slut. Or gay. Or a gay slut. Watch out. She wants to pounce on our husbands and with their paunchy bellies and baseball caps.

She’s a cougar. Pouncing on some young dude and “teaching him the ropes” sounds extra unsexy. It sounds like fucking work. Like something I should get paid to do. I’m looking to be pounced and taught. Not the other way around.

For a long time here, I played it safe, not really hooking up with locals. (And frankly, nobody was knocking down the door for me anyway.) These square pegs did not want my round hole. So to have some “scandalous” reputation when in actuality I was living the life of a reclusive nun kinda hurt.

Especially when it came to my old friend George.

George is an older Jesus-looking, beard-wearing, guitar-slinging hippie type. He dated my sister for years when I was a child. During that time, he served as a surrogate brother, protective, kind and instructive. He took me to see a meteorite shower one night at the Jersey shore, which still remains one of the shiniest memories of my life.

As a little girl, I desperately wanted to believe in magic but an increasingly difficult life kept getting in the way of such delight. But that night, as George and I watched the sky explode with light, I believed in magic once again. My heavy, little soul lit up. From that point on, George and magical things were indelibly entwined.

When I moved back to the Jersey shore several years ago, George and I giddily reconnected after decades apart. Picking up where we left off, he quickly became that warm and watchful friend, helping me whenever possible.

He taught me how to make small car repairs and fixed up an old bike for me, with a cardboard license plate that read my name. He made a concoction of oils for surfing-induced ear infection. He showed me how to tell the wind direction by letting sand run through my fingers--kind and gentle brotherly acts that fed an undernourished side of me.

After some time, I noticed he hadn't invited me to his home. When I asked him, he told me that he was afraid his wife wouldn't understand our friendship.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she gets jealous."

"But we're just friends," I said, neck tensing. (It was disturbing to think that anyone would consider George as my romantic partner. Incestuous and creepy.)

"If you can't tell your wife you're at my place George, it’s probably best we don't hang out."

"And you might want to grow some," I wanted to add but said instead: "I'm nobody's secret."

But that wasn't true; I have been someone’s secret. My friend Andrew only calls me on his drive home from work because he's afraid to talk to me in front of his wife. I've been his friend for over 20 years.

When I dated a man in New York, he always felt uneasy bringing me around his "baby's momma."

"I just don't want any problems with her or the custody of our kid. I don't want to upset her."

"But you have no problems insulting me by keeping me a secret?"

Before you suggest I toss these jerks to the curb, understand that these are men who have served special roles in my life. They have been my guardians and mentors and friends.

George came to my house, desperate for my help. His wife had found out that he had stopped by my house weeks ago (to fix a shower head—oh the scandal of it all!) and went ballistic. Would I please go over and explain to her that nothing is going on?

"Oh god, George. Don’t ask me this, dude!"

He implored me and I finally relented. Before leaving, he asked me to dress down a little. I put on a flannel shirt and a baseball cap (so I didn't appear the supermodel threat that lurks underneath).

When I entered his home, the tense energy was palpable. I decided to swallow the poison quickly. Marching over to the kitchen sink. I stood behind his wife, her back to me, as she washed the dishes. She was sniffling, post-cry.

"Hi there, Janet. I'm Beth. I'm sorry you're upset. I've known George since I was 5. He dated my oldest sister. The thought of anything romantic with him makes me, um, queasy. I can assure you nothing has happened nor would it. He's a friend and that’s all."

She didn't turn around. She simply asked me, very quietly, to leave.

I walked out of the house and away from a friendship I had had since childhood. It hurt but one gets tired of these unfounded mistress-like roles based on the fact that you’re single and available.  

“He's doing it to protect his family”, a friend countered. What am I, a communicable disease? What kind of marriage are you protecting when you resort to lies just to maintain a friendship? What are you teaching your children? How to be in a deeply dysfunctional family that stays together at all costs? That’s protection? Please.

So while I do the “right” thing and continue to not sleep with the wrong person or the right person or any person, my scandal quotient continues to grow. An “older” woman who hangs around young surfers and dares to be free and sexual and creative and doesn't have children? Off with her head!

So why aren't you married, people have asked curiously? Why don't you have children?

Perhaps the need to marry and procreate wasn't hardwired into me, like so many others. I didn't dream of a wedding dress or a fat rock on my finger. That doesn't mean I don't want to get married or have a family. It just hasn’t dictated the direction my life.

That's one take.

The other? When you spend a lifetime simply trying to survive or battling depression or stuck in relationships that you think might last but end up shattered over and over again, it eats up a lot of fucking time.

Clint knocks at the door.

"Do you want to go grab a beer?"

"You're an ass, Clint. An ass."

"Sorry about the pussy on a platter comment. Do you want to grab a beer?"

doing stuff is overrated

Picture...nothing.

I like doing nothing. It’s often frowned upon and I’m not sure why. Doing nothing is relaxing, fun and easy.

Doing stuff, on the other hand, is overrated. Here’s why:

• It’s tiring.
• It’s expensive.
• It doesn’t usually amount to much.
• It can lead having to do other things.
• We’re all going to die so why bother?

Back in the day, people sat around in rocking chairs on their sleepy little porches and drank lemonade all afternoon. They took Sunday drives and napped throughout afternoons that drifted on forever. Time passed more slowly. Days lasted about six times as long. It’s a fact.

Even further back, people sat around naked in the forest, doing nothing. Sure they hunted for food and foraged and well, all sorts of prehistoric things. But they only did that stuff so they could get back to sitting in a circle, doing nothing, naked, just hanging out.

Cavemen, keeping it simple.

There was a time I thought doing things mattered. I did things for like, decades. For people, money, praise. Then one day the utter futility of it all hit me. And bam! I just stopped. And I’ve been happier ever since…well, not completely happy but it’s better being unhappy doing nothing than doing a lot of something and still being unhappy.

I prefer doing nothing alone but sometimes I do nothing with other people. If we have to do something (like get beer or food) we may rally and do it. But only so we can get back to doing nothing again, together.

When walking is just too much.

Doing stuff opens you up to all sorts of dangers too. Once I rode my bike around my neighborhood when a big, black Kujo-like dog ran out of nowhere and leapt on me. His slobbery jaws were inches away from my face. See? Crazy shit happens all of the time when you do things.

Goodbye nose.

And stuff just randomly falls from the sky. A substantial number of people have died from pianos falling on top of them. It’s not just in the movies. You’re better off inside, safe, resting and prepping for sleep (where the real action begins).

Holy cow...it happened again.

That’s right, sleep. Sleep is a great example of doing nothing and at the same time, doing so much. You never know what wild and weird wonders might go down, who you might have sex with or what magical powers you could possess. I like to think of my waking hours as a 16-hour preparation for going back to sleep.

Historically speaking, busy people have been nothing but trouble: Hitler, Mussolini, Vlad the Impaler—all busy. Same with serial killers. It's not idle hands that are the devil's play things but the busy ones causing the problems. Slackers are all like, whatever, I'll stay home instead. 

Vlad, too busy for his own good.

Now, I’m not advocating doing nothing all of the time.

Six years ago, I stripped an old wooden dresser. Every day I look at it and say, “I did that.” Some may consider that a small accomplishment but it remains one of my life’s crowning achievements. When my car starts in the morning, that’s the sweet sound of success. Keep it dummy, simple.

So relax, man. Considering the crap condition of our human race, congratulate yourself for simply being alive and making it through another day. Oh my god, I’m eating the best apple right now.

Group shot of us 100 years from now

~~~

I don't understand people who like to work and talk about it like it was some sort of goddamn duty. Doing nothing feels like floating on warm water to me. Delightful, perfect. ~ Ava Gardner



Ava Gardner, getting her wish

Rise!

The first time I flew in my sleep, I was a child. In my dream, someone clocked me on the head. I died from the blow and seconds later began rapidly rising quickly into thin, black air. As I was pulled faster and faster upward, a little voice whispered urgently, “Don’t go any higher or you won’t come back!” I willed myself to wake up, shaking and confused.

My flying dreams continued as I grew up. It was always the same feeling; a strange lifting sensation began in my solar plexus and I would start to rise. Taking flight awkwardly at first, I would soon be able to cover more distance and fly with greater control.

But I always remembered that voice, that point of no return voice.

It’s all right if you decide to do it, Amanda says to me on the phone. I sit on the corner of my bed, silent. She continues. I won’t be mad. It’s your right to kill yourself. I don’t want you to and I’d be devastated…but it’s your right.

In one precious and frightening moment, a dear friend gives me permission to visit that point of no return. She did not chide me, but openly acknowledged the hidden thoughts that over the years she has grown to understand well.

Nobody has ever offered this kind of acceptance before. Most loved ones scream and shout when I suggest the very real and possible solution to a life I’m not sure I want to pursue anymore.

How dare you think that way? Don’t you realize the pain you’d cause others? Stop it. Bad. WRONG!

Maybe it's the home I've been looking for, I finally manage to say to her.

It seems like I’ve been looking a lifetime for this thing called home. But that magical place seems further from me than ever before. Like “home” is for special people who aren’t as broken as me. It’s for the movies and I’m cold, hard reality. 

Recently I had the most powerful in my series of flying dreams, making me wonder whether the other side was beckoning me.

My sister and I are in my backyard, chatting on the swinging chair. It’s summer. We’re both relaxed and warmed by the sun.

A deep, hollow voice speaks to me, matter-of-factly:

Come with me. It's time.

I am pulled from the chair by that same familiar force, my feet dragging in the grass like a dead body being hauled off into the woods. I am dropped into the front yard where the voice waits for me, just a disembodied voice.

Rise, it commands.

I expect to be scared but I'm not. There is no need for fear or fighting. This force is all-powerful. There is only relinquishing, a complete release.

My body, flopped forward like a rag doll, begins to rise upward. I see my sister down below, rocking alone in the chair and unaware of my departure. I see the town I live in. The country. The clouds. The stars. I have no control over this flight. I am being pulled by some universal magnet, moving too quickly.

“You won't blame yourself if I do, will you?”

“No, Amanda says, no.”

“I just don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. Something has to give.”

Suddenly my rising body slams into something hard. It’s the sky’s ceiling.

As a child, I believed there was a ceiling beyond the clouds and the blueness. An end to the sky. You could go no further. Except when you died. Then it would open.

My body starts hitting the sky’s ceiling repeatedly. Thump, thump, thump. The ceiling is old and yellowed. A cloud of dust surrounds me with each thud. I’m surprised how unceremonious and clumsy my death is becoming. They can’t get me past? What will they do now?

And just at moment, I start my plummet back to earth. This descent feels dangerous, uncontrolled. The stars, the clouds, the country, the town, my backyard. Slam! My body lands in the grass and my sister sits, swinging in the chair. She’s a small child now, looking radiant and sweet.

“You’re back”, she says, nonplussed, playing with a daisy in her hand.

“Yes, I’m back. Did you miss me?”

“I always miss you.”

I sit next to her but am no longer relaxed like before. Everything is different. Nothing will ever be the same. And I know, I know, the voice will return. I will rise again.



Image Source: House of the Rising Souls by the amazing 16-year old Lauren Withrow

Words are Alive

"Words are alive. Cut them and they bleed."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterday I had a conversation with an old boyfriend. He said I was the first to say, "I love you." I vaguely remember him initiating it. The debate bordered on an argument and I couldn't help but wonder what was beneath it.

Did it really matter who said "I love you" first? Is "I love you" a game of chicken. Whoever says it first "loses"? Do we treat those simple words too preciously?

When my mother was ill with terminal cancer, my boyfriend's family invited her to come visit in Philadelphia. She was living in Florida by herself and while my sister lived close-by, my mother was feeling quite alone and enduring grueling treatments without a lot of assistance. This trip would be a break, a "cancer vacation" of sorts.

My ex-boyfriend's family is a demonstrative sort—kind and giving people. When my mother arrived, she was treated like a queen. No medicine in the world could have touched their generosity.

They arranged a lunch in her honor one afternoon, where she met several extended family members for the first time, including my boyfriend's Aunt Mary, a warm and jovial lady. My mother and Aunt Mary sat next to one another and they laughed and conversed easily, like old friends.

When the day came to an end and Aunt Mary was heading home, she hugged my mom. I heard her say something that would stick with me: "I love you, Randee." They had spent several hours together, that's it. Yet I didn't doubt her love for my mother for one second. She did love my mother after only one afternoon together.

The next day, my mother was feeling quite recharged from all of the attention and activity. She flitted into the room I was staying in and started chatting happily. Unfortunately, I was feeling a black cloud over me. I knew what was to come. And for some unknown reason, I felt angry at my mom, annoyed by her newfound happiness. She mentioned something excitedly about the day's plans, I don't remember what, but I snapped at her. Hard.

And I live with that. I was under an enormous amount of pressure, as was my mother. But I realized that day, among others, that once words are uttered, there is no retracting them. Reparation is possible, but retraction is not.

My oldest brother, in a fit of anger years ago, once told me that I was the “slow one” in the family. Just not as quick as the others. A few weeks ago, as we discussed some family business, I asked him to repeat something I didn't understand. I said, "Remember, I'm the slow one in the family. It takes me a while." He looked baffled. I explained that it was a callback to an insult he had made years ago. He had no memory of saying it whatsoever.

"Why have you harbored that all these years?" he asked. "Why did you say it all those years ago?" I replied.

Of any insults that have been leveled against me, stupidity doesn't tend to stick. But it stuck a little, obviously. Words, once uttered, are etched in some cosmic fabric in the sky.

My favorite grade school teacher Mrs. Polhamus once scolded me in class. I was in first grade and she caught me talking during a spelling test. I don't remember what she said but my whole world fell apart suddenly. I couldn't complete my test, so shaken up. Instead I wrote at the top of the paper these exact words:

"I know it is true that Mrs. Polhamus does not like me anymore."

My friend is dating a man who seems downright phobic when it comes to the word love. One day, he put his fears aside and signed an email to her "Love, John." She was flattered by his attempt. She didn't book a date at the local church or buy paint for the picket fence; it just made her feel good...and special.

But months later, he retracted it. He told her he didn't mean to sign the letter that way. That it was just an innocent congeniality. Please don't take it too seriously, he begged. She began to take him less seriously, unfortunately. Love and cowardice do not go well together.

We all know when we love someone, don’t we? It's a very natural, simple feeling. It cannot be contested. It's as plain as the nose on your face. It doesn't require years of harvesting and deliberating. It doesn't require the perfect setting to be spoken. It's not even all that complex. It just is.

When you become a tightwad with love, your world becomes smaller. Love becomes a bank account and you write your checks carefully, constantly watchful of your shrinking budget.

The words that really matter are often stuck in some box, waiting for a perfect date to be released. Other words pour out of us, often with little discretion or forethought. I do my best to refrain from saying, even jokingly:
"Shut up."
"Fuck you."
"Relax."
"Calm down."

"Get over it."

Do I say them once in a while? Sure. But because I rarely do, I feel I'm afforded the opportunity on occasion...and I probably damn well mean it when I do.

My friend's mother, whom I've always been close with, once said "fuck you" to me semi-jokingly. (I had made a small joke at her expense and that was her response.) You can't carry every verbal infraction with you since you only burden yourself. But I do remember it.

And let us not forget the importance of the simple yet sublime:

"I'm sorry."

When those words are spoken from a genuine, heartfelt place without any dreaded "but" attached to it, it can wipe away a world of hurt. Occasionally, "I'm sorry" isn't enough; it requires action as well. But most of the time, deep-seated resentment and anger evaporate like mist in the wind almost instantly with those little words.

I read somewhere that talking slowly is good for your mental health, akin to eating food more deliberately. Perhaps there is some answer there. Choose the words you say carefully--but not so carefully that they become a too precious of a commodity.

Mr. Shuffles Makes me Smile

Mr. Shuffles is a miracle elephant.

After almost 2 years in his mother's womb, the vets found not vital signs and he was presumed to be stillborn.

At a press conference, the staff at Taronga Zoo in Australia announced the sad news.

Photo: Dean Sewell

But in spite of the odds, Mr. Shuffles was born at the in Australia on March 10, 2010 at 3.27 am.

Katharina Theodore was one of the first keepers in the elephant barn the morning after Portnip, the mother elephant, gave birth.

"We went to greet all the elephants, walked up to Porntip and she didn't react at all." Theodore said.

"She seemed to be in a stupor and so I started to cry literally. I noticed blood on her legs and the bulge that was holding the calf was missing. So Gary and I walked into the paddock and we found a calf.

"I was kind of happy that at least she'd expelled the calf and I was thinking that's great, we can move on and look after her.

"And then, mind-blowingly enough, the calf raised its head."

20 vets and keepers quickly went to work, round the clock, administering to the calf who they feared suffered brain damage.

When Mr. Shuffles was well enough to take his first steps, they were heavy and unsure, like that of an old man, hence the nickname "Mr. Shuffles."


He was officially renamed Pathi Harn in a ceremony held by Buddhist monks to celebrate his Thai culture. This caused a minor uproar online (by people like me) who really, really like his nickname.

Parthi Harn is the Thai word for miracle.

Pathi Harn is getting stronger day by day, feeding heartily from his mother and playing with his cousin, Luk Chai .

And while his beautiful Thai name reflects his regal status which he rightfully deserves, he will always be known as Mr. Shuffles to many.

He's a little wide-eyed and goofy - a creature who has gone through something. A creature who is happy to be alive.

Mr. Shuffles lives!

Mr. Shuffles Naming Ceremony:

Mr. Shuffles Slips into a pool:

News clip on Mr. Shuffle. He's a happy-go-lucky baby elephant!

Follow Mr. Shuffles on Twitter.

Sources:
Brisbane Times
ABC News Australia

Dear Fill in the Blank

March 21, 2010


Dear _________:


We haven't communicated in quite a while, my dear. I continue to miss you though I try to keep it at bay and humbly move on.

I sometimes wonder why I bother to write you anymore. Not sure if you even read what I send or whether this account is active. I know why you had to close a door but its haunting to think I'm writing to thin air at this point.

I suppose sometimes it makes me feel good to reach out and send you a song or an idea or a thought. It's ultimately a gift to me to give to you. (Though I much prefer to believe you are out there, reading what I write and loving me from afar.)

I've deleted most of your songs and put them away for safekeeping. It just hurts a bit when they come through my speakers suddenly and enter my room. You wouldn't believe how many songs we've exchanged over the years! Some tunes have slipped through the cracks and they play on anyway, as if to say, "You can't get rid of me entirely, Beth."

Today I'm sending you a potentially corny song. Luckily I've never felt self-conscious sending you the sappiest of tunes. You could always handle it, which I've always loved about you. I wouldn't feel brave enough to share them with hardly anyone else!

So there's a story behind this song:

Last week, I had the most magical evening with a few close friends on the mainland. We gathered for an impromptu dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. We experienced the most perfect synergy. We talked about so many strange and wondrous things, laughing and sharing intimate thoughts. I left feeling quite high from the whole experience.

As you know, my social life here is pretty dim so when I have a good night, it burns like a flame in my mind. I had a good evening! It felt so nice that it almost hurt. I want more of my limited time on this planet to feel like that evening. Special. Magical. Connected. The way I've felt with you many times before.

Driving back to the island that night, I popped one of my cassette tapes into the player. Remember, I have an old truck. No fancy audio system like you probably have! Plain, old cassettes. I enjoy stumbling across little cassette treasures at yard sales or second hand stores. For a quarter each, it's a heck of a deal, right? And you're forced to choose from a limited selection. I like that too. Too much choice and access today.

Anyway, I stuck in a tape of early Dan Fogelberg. I know, he's a bit easy listening. But this was one of his earliest recordings, pre-ballads. He was only 18! His voice was so high and sweet and his tunes simple yet rich. He died just a few years ago from prostate cancer at the age of 56. After doing some research (because I can be a geek like that), I found out that after he wrote this particular song, he knew he wanted to be a songwriter and never looked back.

As I listened to the tape and drove over the bridge, I looked out at the lights lining it. As a child, when my family would drive over to spend the summer at the Jersey shore, I'd stick my head out of the window and say, "Light, light, light, light, light..." trying as fast as I could to keep up with every one we flew by. If one was out, I'd stop for a millisecond, then continue again: "Light, light, light_____light, light."

I did this for years and years. It was my little ritual to mark my arrival back on the island, to a house I loved. Tonight was no different. "Light, light, light, light..." I said as I drove back home, feeling content and full.

Then this song came on. I'm not sure why, but suddenly I found myself pulling over to a side street next to the bay and began sobbing so hard. A perfect emotional storm had formed inside of me. It wasn't really the content of the song - it's about a peaceful morning. And it wasn't the evening, which was lovely. It was more than that.

I'm leaving this island this year, looks like. I'll walk away from the only house I've ever considered home. The family politics surrounding it have just been too much since my mom died. I'll never be able to reclaim this place, the way it used to be, you know? So I will take a sum of money and say a hard goodbye.

Sometimes I feel for the house. She remembers times past. I pat her old, worn walls and say, "I know. I'm sorry. I'll miss you too." We sigh a lot lately, realizing what lies ahead.

As you know, our family hasn't seen many happy times. When I was six and my dad died, it seemed to create an permanent rift in our family. We were wounded and lost, with a depressed and overwhelmed mother at the helm.

But this shore house provided us all with temporary relief. My mother seemed content here and we could all relax for a bit. We were like all of the other "whole" families, at least for a season.

"And maybe there are seasons.
And maybe, they change.
And maybe, to love is not so strange."

Those were the lyrics that played. All of my childhood memories flooded me, like water in a fast-sinking boat.

The "light, light, light" times when we laughed more easily and the days drifted on as if forever. Lightning bugs and shooting stars and fireworks and wave leaping. Reading books quietly in the evening and sleeping so soundly. A brief glimpse of family and home.

In my truck, sitting in the dark, I realized the irrevocable passing of time, the hollow and frightening realization that certain stages and people are gone, never to return. I cried for the expanse of my past, growing bigger with each passing year. And maybe I cried a little for you, as you slowly become part of it too.

So this was the soundtrack to my bayside breakdown. The first few minutes are a little much but it evolves into a sweet tune, I think.

Maybe I won't send you any more letters or songs. While it can make feel happy to share things with you, I can equally feel foolish and even more alone, which I can ill afford. It's simply a waste of words if you're not even reading this.

Well, we shall see where I fall or stand emotionally. I still have about 200 songs to send to you. (Ha...it's true!) I guess it's more like 200 songs to send to myself.

You know, sometimes, I'm filled with disbelief, wondering how you could so easily close a door on me, making sure I had no power to open it. A bit of a dick move on your part. And sometimes, I realize we are best parted, in our current states. I understand. We had to be. And most of the time, I just simply miss you and have trouble letting you go, I admit embarrassingly.

Well, thank you for being my lover and friend from afar. And for being my muse. To think, you could be my muse, an artist of your fine caliber. How lucky am I? What a real, live fairy tale, one I sorely needed and deserved. For us, it has been hearts and flowers. Well, it's been hearts at least...I could have stood for some flowers.

But maybe there are seasons. And maybe they change. And maybe, to love is not so strange.



To the Morning - Dan Fogelberg

Environmental Soul Repair

I take her for a walk a few times a week. I have for years now. It's the only time she feels her "old self again" she says.

She's recovering from some injuries so she walks slowly. She's always going on about wanting to run again, like me...but I don't know if that will happen.

She's healing from a broken heart as well. She sighs a lot during our walks. My mom used to sigh all of the time, but hers came from a place of dramatic resignation. My friend sighs to release her cares, her sorrows, to breathe deeply once again. Her sighs don't bother me.

She fell for this man hard. He brought so much light into her sad, little existence that when he left, her life felt even bleaker than before. "Why me? He knew the shape I was in. Why does it always turn out the same way, where I get hurt?"

This man left her life incrementally, with little fanfare. He eventually stopped responding to her. She felt used, stupid.

I try to explain to her that he had his own problems.

That doesn't stop the pain, she tells me.

Yes, but it's better to understand that its nothing personal, I tell her. It's better to celebrate that love entered your life at all. He was a blessing overall. You know that.

She nods in halfhearted agreement and sighs.

After a moment, she turns to me and asks in a childlike voice, "I'm a blessing too, aren't I?"

Her question stops me in my tracks. I turn her to face me.

"I think you are."

Sometimes I want to send her flowers on his behalf, so she believes in kind acts and romance again. Or write her a warm, heartfelt letter, signed by him. Just to take the sting out a little. I wouldn't of course. I wouldn't dupe her like that.  It's just hard seeing her this way. I've known her so long. When she hurts, I hurt.

At some point of our walk, we usually sit down on the beach, close our eyes and meditate for a while. I can feel her next to me, tense and struggling, trying to tame her stormy thoughts.

Sometimes, I peek over at her: brow furrowed, shoulders tight. I fantasize about kissing her on the lips during one of those taut moments. It seems that's all she really needs, that magical fairy tale kiss to wake her up, to make her feel safe and alive again.

Instead she begins to cry. I put my hands on her back and her body melted in response. Human touch.  I found myself crying with her. No one should have to fight hard for "inner peace," you know?
"Just breathe. Be present. The answer is right here, I promise. You don't have to try so hard for it."

We both closed our eyes again and grabbed what little nirvana we could find. And after a few moments, we were breathing together, in sync with one another, in sync with the world. For a few moments, we simply existed and let go of all the silly emotions.

Her days at the beach are numbered. She's leaving the island soon. She's unhappy here and needs to leave.  She won't tell me where. It's a "secret." I can see through her ruse; she's not sure where she's going next and feels self-conscious about it.

"What will I do without our walks?"

Again, I have no answers. And luckily, I don't have to. Our walks, I hope, will heal her from the outside in. The universe will fix her, with its generous sunlight and sparkling seas and wild winds. Environmental soul repair.

And I think my listening helps as well. It's amazing how transformative it is when someone simply validates your feelings, isn't it? When someone is genuinely open to you, no matter what fractured state you're in?  No one shoulders her disappointment and anger and hurt like me. I accept all of her broken pieces. She needs me and I'm happy to spend some time with her.

"I worry too much damage has been done," she says. "That I can't find my way home."

But I think she may. Someday. Somewhere.

"Just keep walking."

How to Stay Alive

Liz Falco and Cathy Cushla, my dead friends.


While grocery shopping, and old college friend popped into my mind suddenly. A fiery, outspoken gal named Liz Falco. Kind, cute as hell, with wild curly hair. The type who could speak her mind without ever offending anybody.

I'm going to look her up, I said to myself. I hope she's still alive. A strange thought, considering our relatively young age. After some research, I found out that she had been murdered years ago in Philadelphia.

Cathy Cushla was another early goner. I went to high school with her. She was a warm, vibrant and kind soul with a near constant smile and bubbly, eruptive laughter. She liked butterflies. She resembled one somehow. Cathy was also murdered several years ago, during a drug deal gone wrong.

The details of these cases don’t really matter. What does matter is that if you're a woman, you're vulnerable.

So how do you stay alive?

Staying alive as a woman requires a heightened sense of alertness. It’s not just the seeming unlikelihood of a serial killer snatching you up in a van. It could be your ex-boyfriend. Or a date gone wrong. Or a drunken friend with an explosive temper. Or a strung-out dude walking behind you on the street while you’re chatting on your phone.

I studied martial arts after getting mugged years ago. But not everyone has to study self-defense (though it’s one of the best ways to protect yourself so why wouldn’t you?). Self-defense requires taking a look a realistic look at the way you exist in the world on a daily basis.


1. How aware are you?

Self-defense starts with a high level of awareness. Always. Even in a state of rest. (Think cats.) When you're on your cell phone or have headphones on, your awareness is lessened and you’re at a greater risk. When you're zoned out in front of the TV, you’re less aware of a strange sound in your backyard.

Let’s take an example:

You go to a bar. Do you take note of the exits? Do you notice when someone is standing just a little too close to you and reposition? Would you pick up on erratic behavior nearby? Do you have your back to the crowd or are you facing out? What kind of weapon do you have nearby if needed?

Some might call this kind of inventory paranoid. Kathy or Liz would probably differ with you. Kathy was killed in a friend’s basement and Liz was abducted on a bike ride home. I’m sure neither of them thought even remotely they were in harm’s way.

2. What's your body like?

No, this isn’t a lecture on fitness but if you’re overweight (or underweight) or don't work out, you’re more susceptible. You may not be able to run quickly or your reflexes slower. That fighter in you is underworked and flabby. So the answer is easy: work out. Strengthen your body. Prepare yourself for self-defense.

If you have physical issues, compensate in other ways, such as increasing your awareness to prevent situations from occurring in the first place. Or learn the use of weapons. Or take self-defense classes where you learn a few basic defensive moves.

3. Do you startle easily?

An easily spooked individual doesn't tend to react well in dangerous situations. They blank out. Think of a martial artist like Bruce Lee. Centered, calm, focused and dangerous.

In my years of sparring, I tended to get my ass kicked when I got upset or angry. If you're always on edge, work on techniques such as meditation to ground yourself. Being grounded is half the battle; it naturally increases awareness as well as your likelihood to respond correctly in a dangerous situation.

4. Can you take/throw a punch?

Women often think they’ll knee a man “where it hurts” in a crisis. But that’s not a dependable technique. You may not have access to a crippling crotch shot. Mace is also difficult because you need to be within shooting range of his or her eyes—not easy if someone comes up behind you.

As human, we’re built to take some punches. But if you’re a woman, a punch can be so startling, we slip into shock. I “play” spar with a few male friends occasionally. It’s a safe ways to get into the habit of knowing what it's like to fight a man.

What about your ability to throw a punch? Do you punch like a girl? Do you (wrongly) put your thumb inside your folded fingers? Do you know how to throw your whole body into a punch then follow up with another one? When did you last practice punching? It’s easy enough to try on your own.

Some may argue that generally women will lose to men in a physical altercation, no matter what. That's not entirely true. Many factors come into play such as size, age, agility, mental state, speed, weapons. Maybe he is stronger but if you can manage one maneuver, it could save your life.

If learning to punch seems beyond you then practice smashing someone in the nose with the palm of your hand in an upward motion. That can cause a blinding, searing pain that will stop most people in their tracks. Your elbow can also do some serious damage. A good kick to the shins can drop someone. And while gross, eye gouging has also been known to work.

5. Can you spot danger?

If a car is pulling up behind me slowly on the street, I get out of the way (of course) and sometimes, turn around to face them. If there’s a gang of young guys walking down the street, I naturally move to the other side. Do they mean me harm? Maybe not. But why risk it?

I pick up a large stick when going for a walk in the woods, just in case. I'm extra aware when I open a car or my house door (vulnerable locations).

When I was mugged, there were tons of warning signs but I didn’t know them at the time. I was walking down a dark street (external disadvantage), weighed down with bags (physical disadvantage), distracted because I had lost my keys (lack of awareness) and it was icy (another external disadvantage).

I walked by a man slamming his body into a brick wall repeatedly (erratic behavior). After I passed him, I turned around and saw him running toward me. Get this: I didn't want to appear rude and cross the street. So I kept my back to him. He clotheslined me with his forearm, punched me and took my pocketbook. It took about 5 seconds.

Bottom line: I'd notice all of those signs now. Years after my martial arts training, a man attempted to mug me during the day (in Park Slope, an affluent area of Brooklyn). This time, I saw his erratic behavior when I walked by him. I looked behind me and he was heading toward me--quickly. I started running. That scary part? So did he. But he stopped after a half block. Bottom line: he didn’t want to bother chasing me down.

6. Can you run away?

Running away from a dangerous situation ensures you don’t have to test your abilities of self-defense. It’s generally the smartest move in just about any scary situation.

I don’t often wear shoes I can't run in because it makes me feel vulnerable. (I wear chunky heels when I get dressed up because I can move quickly in them.) How fast and far can you run? If you’re not much of a runner, then focus on a strong, focused walk that tells the world you are in charge.

7. Do you pick your battles?

Most altercations are not worth it. Don't get in them in the first place and you're better off. Walk away. Ignore the comment. Go home.

With that said, you need to be able to read a situation, weigh it, then decide.

There are times you have to stand tough to make sure someone takes you seriously. There are times when acting a little crazy and unpredictable can give an attacker pause. (No one wants to mess with a nutcase, not even another nutcase.) There are times to look someone directly in the eye so they know you're not afraid. There are times not to make eye contact.

Every situation requires a specific response. The more you increase your awareness, the better you can adapt quickly.

8. Where's your weapon?

Are you aware of the ways you might defend yourself at this very moment? If someone is in attack mode, they’ve already chosen their weapons. Be on par with them. Not a fan of guns but I have a billy club under my bed. I have a knife in my car. But it can be anything. A beer mug. An ashtray. A frying pan. All weapons.

These questions are laid out before you so you can review the way you interact with the world and increase your power and awareness. Don't think it can't happen to you. (I’m sure my friends never dreamed of it happening to them.) But with that said, the idea isn't to live in a constant state of fear. Knowing how to defend yourself ultimately makes you feel like the protector and the protected.


                                  Be safe. Be aware. Stay alive.

One of the fiercest women I know, Angela Tiene, my martial arts mentor.