“I didn’t call you a slut. I’m just saying you might want to…to tone it down a bit," Clint mumbles into the phone.He’s referring to my photos on Facebook. I take them myself, of myself. They are only slightly scandalous. A solid PG-13, in my opinion.
“I’m just saying that you send the wrong messages to people when you put those kind of photos up. Guys get a bad impression. People like you and me, we're more…normal than that. Just accept that you’re normal.”
Funny, I don't feel particularly normal. I had called Clint because I was feeling very down this evening. I usually just ride it out on my own but every once in a while, I gamble and reach out.
Clint is the oldest of the brothers I hang out with at the Jersey shore. He’s sort of a James Dean meets Kurt Cobain type. He has trouble speaking what’s on his mind, fretting, frustrating himself then finally saying something he considers all wrong anyway. Lately, he's found God and thinks I need to trim a little of the excess evil out of my life.
“I mean…come on. What guy’s going to…take you…seriously. They are going to think, that you’re a…”“A slut? Don't you have to have sex in order to be a slut? I think my monastic, incredibly dull life might stand in the way of me and total whoredom."
I wish I was a "slut", whatever the hell that stupid word means. I wish the rumors would fly up and down this dumb island, "Hey, there's Beth Mann. What a slut! She just won't stop fucking. Nobody can stop her. She's literally become a fucking machine." I'd walk by and switch my ass, and drink in all the disapproving looks, like a form of foreplay.
Instead, I'm at home watching Law & Order SVU and eating popcorn, with the painful realization that I need to feel very connected with someone in order to have sex at this point of my life. (Though I do keep hoping Christopher Meloni will jump out of the screen and put me in handcuffs one day. Sigh. That man is built to bang.)
I like taking pictures of myself, I explain to Clint. It’s the way I see how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, who I am. It’s the way I feel sexy without the sex, which seems to be in short supply.
"Any guy who sees you like that, he's not going to take you seriously."
Suddenly I found his shame sinking into my ear, worming its way through my brain. I go to my computer and begin reviewing my "scandalous" shots online. I delete a photograph. Then another.
“Clint, I’m an artist. I take chances. I’m not supposed to worry about people like you and what you think.”
“Well, then don’t. I just think, well, you're not supposed to broadcast those images to everybody.”
“Well who am I supposed to broadcast them to?”
“You reserve them. For your…your…”
“Your what? I don’t have a your, your.”
Delete, delete.
“Those surfboard photos, Beth. Come on. You don’t think they’re a bit…much?”
I bought a new surfboard several months ago and took a series of shots with them. In the nude. Rebel, they call me.
“They’re nudes, Clint. It’s not like I’m fucking the damn board or something!” Delete.
I knew when I entered the wide world of the Web, it could be a sneaky, gross and suspicious place. But I made a conscious choice to express myself my way, to use my name, to be me. Of course, there are times it feels awkward and vulnerable. Of course, it can feel self-exploitative and stupid and when I'm feeling down, it feels painful and embarrassing, revealing myself to some mass audience of god knows who. But I move past it. I try.
“Beth, those kind of photos are for stars, for artists…”
“Clint, you asshole, I am an artist. I've been an active artist for over 20 years.”
“Well...then how come you don’t have more money?”
"Hey, Clint. I have an idea. How about I drive to Philly and lie down in front of you so you can literally kick me when I'm down. It might be easier in the long run. And just so you know, I’m getting a lot of attention lately for my work and…and…”
“Well, when do you get paid for that attention?”
"Are you calling me a slut and a loser? I just want to clarify."
I find myself deleting a blog entry. It's one where I...it's just too much of myself.I begin to choke up a bit. Shame is so terribly powerful. But Clint didn't introduce these ideas to me. They were already poking holes in my gut. Like I don't feel the discrepancy between my talents and my finances? Like I'm not painfully aware that my photos are really just "me on me" action?
“No, I don’t get paid for attention. Well, I do. I mean...I get paid for what I do creatively. I just don’t get paid a lot for it but I'm surviving. And what’s that have to do with my porn shots anyway?”
“We’re just regular people, that’s all I’m saying. Accept it.”
I prepare to delete one final item of the night: Clint.
I've been deleting a lot of friends as of late. As I spend more and more time alone, battling my inner demons and demigods, my friends' input has been falling short. Its as if they really don't know me anyway and their feedback seems woefully off-track. Clint is my friend and he's dear to me. He thinks he's helping or protecting me. He just doesn't know me. My friends don't seem to know me anymore."You know, Clint. Maybe these are your issues. You're feeling frustrated sexually, creatively. You'd like to break out of your normalcy rut. And you're just taking me down with you."
"Maybe you're right."
"Well, it worked."
Clint and I being normal
