Monday, November 13, 2006

Suddenly Third Wheel

My roommate has lost his effin' mind. The prostitute gone "model" who suddenly moved into our household is now staying the rest of the month (refer to November 6 entry). My roommate, sensing my immense discomfort, paid me $500 to shut my mouth. Suffice it say, my mouth has been paid shut but my eyes are wide open, in dumb shock.

This morning, I see a card on the dining room table (next to the dozen roses he gave her. And a pineapple with a ribbon on it. Hello, has this man ever had sex before or what? The card reads:

"Though the road of life may be hard to travel..." (open) "Know, I'll always be there for you."

Now I'll give him some credit here - perhaps the road is is often hard to travel when you're wearing 6-inch high, white stiletto stripper boots and you just polished off a fifth of Southern Comfort.

Then...then....THEN....oh my god, then he writes (and again, dear reader, let me remind you, they have been together less than TWO effin' weeks):

"I love you baby. Justin."

Ahhhhhh....shoot me! Feeling powerless, I went in to the trashcan in my bedroom and pulled out a joke birthday card I recently tossed. It read: "Great Farters Throughout History" with little cartoon renditions of historical figures as: "Fartacus", "Napoleon Blownafarte" "Abe Stinkin" and "King Toot." I placed it behind the roses, the decorated pineapple and the ridiculous "I love you baby" card and prayed for a miracle.


Anonymous said...

What can we do to help you?
Can we get her kicked out by having her caught with johns in the house?
I'm willing to do this.
For you...

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure I understand your cynicism. Is a tall Nubian princess not allowed to eat pineapple, or is there some societal nuance, and I’ am simply misunderstanding contextually? I thought women liked roses. What, were they the wrong color. I guess the idea of moving a streetwalker in on the first date is unheard of where you come from. Well let me tell you it's not the first time and it won 't be the last. If you like, give me your address, and I will gift you a pineapple. I think you will find them quite pleasant. It's a wonderful tasting delight out of Hawaii.
P.S. Don 't forget the Vagina Factor.