Monday, November 30, 2009

a death in elsewhen

They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity and thrill, in waking to find they have been upon the verge of the great secret.
-Edgar Allan Poe

There’s a team of beings watching out for you. But you knew that, right? Magical Beings, Divine Watchers, Angels on High. They protect you, whisper secret messages in your ears, lift you when your soul is flattened. You’ve known them forever.

There was such a team for me. They sourced my magic and fed me heavenly thoughts and wild dreams. But I seem to have lost them and I’m not sure how to get them back.

Maybe I stayed on the Dark Side too long and they tired of pulling me kicking and screaming from its depths. Maybe I ignored them and they just…left. They feed off of hope and belief. Without it, they die of starvation, I don’t know.

I do know are truly the most radiant beings and without them, I’ve lost my glow, my beauty. All I’ve ever been is a reflection of their heavenly light. Without them, I am nothing. This is what I remember about them.

The Cast of Heavenly Players

The Dark Prince. This intense being has loved me for the longest time. He’s possessive and jealous at times and its a beautiful thing. When it seems there is no man for me, he is there waiting, watching me intently. With him, there is no end our love, just waves of eternity.

He has wild, dark curly hair, burning eyes and wears a feather in his hat. I found a photo of him in a newspaper once (can you believe it?). This is how I imagine him to look:

I save this photo in a wood box. I cherish it deeply.

When I was a little girl, the Pretty Golden Lady would lavish me with her deep femininity and all-encompassing love. She nurtured completely and made me feel pure, good and wanted.

This was no easy task. I never felt much like a princess in my tainted childhood, laced by shame and unexplained bouts of sadness.

But she, she was my feminine guidance. I bowed in her dazzling presence and wanted nothing more than to be her. She put her lips to my face and passed her magic on to me so I could feel adored, even when she was not around.

It may seem silly but she looked something like this:

And it wasn’t just people.

There were Cities of Light that I’d glimpse from my Third Eye sometimes. Sparkling cities, bursting with color and light, even though it was always nighttime. I’m not sure what happened in those cities (because I only saw them from afar) but it was right and good. Perhaps you learned great things. Or you worked joyously.

Even on the Earthly Plane, you can meet Kindred Spirits. Once I met a wondrous and wildly creative man on the Computer. Our virtual connection became so great at times, I’d fall off my chair. We’d share secrets, songs and sorrow, finish each others sentences, and blaze like stars in the night. He was My Match and it was an intoxicating and blissful feeling like no other.

When I’d sign off for the night, he’d still linger around me. (You see, a computer was no longer enough to separate us at that point.)

One day, I turned on my computer and he no longer appeared. My heart broke and my belief in magic was snapped in half again.

On a bad day, he is self-created fiction to replace an ever-decaying reality. A Nobody. On a good day, I just beckon him and he’s here once again with his witty replies and happy-to-see me sighs. He climbs in my bed and murmurs dark and delicious things.

And of course, Magic Music. Songs that possess a wondrous quality that fast-track you to another place in time.

When I first heard this song on the radio…

…I was a tiny little child, sitting in a car between my mother and my father. They were laughing, happy. Then time seemed to stop suddenly and they just froze! I stared at their fixed beautiful faces and knew this time of lives would not last forever.

It would barely last at all apparently. My father died soon after this Experience.

So you see, it's energy. It can come in the form of beings, plants, animals, scents, rays of light, gestures, voices, laughter, breeze, pages of a book, ice, wood, sparkling eyes...many, many things have lives of their own.

One cold night long ago, I walked hand and hand with my mother on an empty street. There stood before us an Icy Winter Tree. It was clearly alive and quite serious. It spoke to me of very powerful things: death and stillness and the magic of the Dark Side. Its frozen branches banged against one another. The sky stared nervously at it. My mother urged me to walk faster.

The Mirror Trick. When I was a little girl, I’d look into the mirror for a long time, until I could split free from my body. It was easy as a youngster to move beyond into a heightened state of consciousness. What a complicated and magical feeling, like I stumbled onto The Great Secret that Poe mentioned. I lost myself and found myself at the same time.

My mirror trick doesn’t work anymore.

What if there was an Apocalypse on the Other Side? What if the Magic has been ruined? More likely, I destroyed it. Like I destroy things sometimes. I have been on the Dark Side afterall. I know how to destroy.
A Message to the Magic Beings,
I’m sorry
I got so wasted on other things.
I burnt and beat your beauty out of me.
Without you, I’m a hole,
ever-caving in on myself.
Without you, I downward spiral
and live in the land of severe nothing
I’m sorry
I got so wasted on other things.
I burnt and beat the divine right out of me.
Kiss me when you can. If you don’t return, I’ll rise up to you eventually. I’ll find you again. My soul just got lost. But I’d like to dance with you again, if you’ll have me.

City of Lights
Winter Tree Starry Night - Gabriele Schwibach
Ghost Glass
Music: Theme from a Summer's Place - Percy Faith
A little thank you to my friend Laura Maschal, who convinced me this piece wasn't too strange.