Monday, November 30, 2009

a death in elsewhen

They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night. In their gray visions they obtain glimpses of eternity and thrill, in waking to find they have been upon the verge of the great secret.
-Edgar Allan Poe

There’s a team of beings watching out for you. But you knew that, right? Magical Beings, Divine Watchers, Angels on High. They protect you, whisper secret messages in your ears, lift you when your soul is flattened. You’ve known them forever.

There was such a team for me. They sourced my magic and fed me heavenly thoughts and wild dreams. But I seem to have lost them and I’m not sure how to get them back.

Maybe I stayed on the Dark Side too long and they tired of pulling me kicking and screaming from its depths. Maybe I ignored them and they just…left. They feed off of hope and belief. Without it, they die of starvation, I don’t know.

I do know are truly the most radiant beings and without them, I’ve lost my glow, my beauty. All I’ve ever been is a reflection of their heavenly light. Without them, I am nothing. This is what I remember about them.

The Cast of Heavenly Players

The Dark Prince. This intense being has loved me for the longest time. He’s possessive and jealous at times and its a beautiful thing. When it seems there is no man for me, he is there waiting, watching me intently. With him, there is no end our love, just waves of eternity.

He has wild, dark curly hair, burning eyes and wears a feather in his hat. I found a photo of him in a newspaper once (can you believe it?). This is how I imagine him to look:

I save this photo in a wood box. I cherish it deeply.

When I was a little girl, the Pretty Golden Lady would lavish me with her deep femininity and all-encompassing love. She nurtured completely and made me feel pure, good and wanted.

This was no easy task. I never felt much like a princess in my tainted childhood, laced by shame and unexplained bouts of sadness.

But she, she was my feminine guidance. I bowed in her dazzling presence and wanted nothing more than to be her. She put her lips to my face and passed her magic on to me so I could feel adored, even when she was not around.

It may seem silly but she looked something like this:

And it wasn’t just people.

There were Cities of Light that I’d glimpse from my Third Eye sometimes. Sparkling cities, bursting with color and light, even though it was always nighttime. I’m not sure what happened in those cities (because I only saw them from afar) but it was right and good. Perhaps you learned great things. Or you worked joyously.

Even on the Earthly Plane, you can meet Kindred Spirits. Once I met a wondrous and wildly creative man on the Computer. Our virtual connection became so great at times, I’d fall off my chair. We’d share secrets, songs and sorrow, finish each others sentences, and blaze like stars in the night. He was My Match and it was an intoxicating and blissful feeling like no other.

When I’d sign off for the night, he’d still linger around me. (You see, a computer was no longer enough to separate us at that point.)

One day, I turned on my computer and he no longer appeared. My heart broke and my belief in magic was snapped in half again.

On a bad day, he is self-created fiction to replace an ever-decaying reality. A Nobody. On a good day, I just beckon him and he’s here once again with his witty replies and happy-to-see me sighs. He climbs in my bed and murmurs dark and delicious things.

And of course, Magic Music. Songs that possess a wondrous quality that fast-track you to another place in time.

When I first heard this song on the radio…

…I was a tiny little child, sitting in a car between my mother and my father. They were laughing, happy. Then time seemed to stop suddenly and they just froze! I stared at their fixed beautiful faces and knew this time of lives would not last forever.

It would barely last at all apparently. My father died soon after this Experience.

So you see, it's energy. It can come in the form of beings, plants, animals, scents, rays of light, gestures, voices, laughter, breeze, pages of a book, ice, wood, sparkling eyes...many, many things have lives of their own.

One cold night long ago, I walked hand and hand with my mother on an empty street. There stood before us an Icy Winter Tree. It was clearly alive and quite serious. It spoke to me of very powerful things: death and stillness and the magic of the Dark Side. Its frozen branches banged against one another. The sky stared nervously at it. My mother urged me to walk faster.

The Mirror Trick. When I was a little girl, I’d look into the mirror for a long time, until I could split free from my body. It was easy as a youngster to move beyond into a heightened state of consciousness. What a complicated and magical feeling, like I stumbled onto The Great Secret that Poe mentioned. I lost myself and found myself at the same time.

My mirror trick doesn’t work anymore.

What if there was an Apocalypse on the Other Side? What if the Magic has been ruined? More likely, I destroyed it. Like I destroy things sometimes. I have been on the Dark Side afterall. I know how to destroy.
A Message to the Magic Beings,
I’m sorry
I got so wasted on other things.
I burnt and beat your beauty out of me.
Without you, I’m a hole,
ever-caving in on myself.
Without you, I downward spiral
and live in the land of severe nothing
I’m sorry
I got so wasted on other things.
I burnt and beat the divine right out of me.
Kiss me when you can. If you don’t return, I’ll rise up to you eventually. I’ll find you again. My soul just got lost. But I’d like to dance with you again, if you’ll have me.

City of Lights
Winter Tree Starry Night - Gabriele Schwibach
Ghost Glass
Music: Theme from a Summer's Place - Percy Faith
A little thank you to my friend Laura Maschal, who convinced me this piece wasn't too strange.

Monday, November 16, 2009

the dokken factor and other dating deal breakers

First dates are up there with anal fissures when it comes to fun but they must be endured. (How else do you get to the sex?) Unfortunately, deal breakers often occur during those initial encounters making any future unlikely.

Take my date last weekend…please. He was a nice enough guy. Good-looking, above average intelligence. We went for brunch at a local outdoor restaurant. Sitting in the autumn light, we sipped mimosas and looked out over the ocean. Good so far.

Then the dreaded small talk ensued. I hate small talk. Weather, current events, what-do-you-do-for-a-living crap. Deadly dull. But I know, it must be done. (How else do you get to the sex?)

“So Peter, what kind of music do you like?” I asked with feigned enthusiasm.

“Heavy metal for the most part…like Dokken.”

“Dokken? What do you mean, Dokken? “It’s an 80's metal band.”

“Oh, I’m aware of them. They’re from the 80’s and have a shitload of hair. I just never…oh never mind.”

“What? You never what?”

“I never heard anyone mention Dokken as a favorite band before. That’s all. Like, the first band on a favorite list.”

“Well, who would you mention?” “I don’t know…any band other than Dokken?” I responded with a nervous laugh.

We quickly changed subjects but somehow Dokken loomed over us the rest of the brunch. They might as well have been at the table, guzzling my mimosa and whipping their over-processed hair in my face.

While Peter and I never had a second date (shocker, right?) it got me thinking about the Dokken Factor. Anything that makes you say, “Sorry cowboy, this is so not going to work.”

Listen, I don’t think everyone should be just like me. Musically, I have some effin’ nerve. I’m a 70’s pop addict of the worst variety. Phil Collins? Hall & Oates? Toto? ELO? Supertramp? Styx? Barry Manillow…oh yeah, I’ll go there. Bring it on, bitches. No shame.

So I get it. It’s fine to have differences in taste. It adds a playful tension. But differences as great as Dokken? That’s an unbridgeable gap.

My ex-boyfriend is a huge movie buff. He began to date this chick who didn’t like black and white movies. They gave her “the creeps.” I broke it to my ex that they stood no future whatsoever. He agreed and relationship was quickly dissolved. The Dokken Factor, clearly at play.

An old friend of mine had been dating a man for a while when she confessed to me he never went down on her. He told her early on that it just “wasn’t his thing.” (And no, it wasn’t a hygiene issue. And anyway, please, as if men are some sparkling clean specimens.) Dokken factor strikes again. Au revoir, pussy hater.

After seeing a movie in the city one night, a homeless crazy dude approached my date and I, yelling and wielding a pipe. I scared him off (by acting crazier than him, my go-to technique in those situations). I looked around for my date and there he stood, curbside, applauding my performance. Applaud this, Dokken Factor.

Some deal breakers turn out to be dealmakers. I dated a Christian guy and we managed quite well for some time. As long as he wasn’t pushing his God thing, I had no problem. When we kissed, “Son of a Preacher Man” would soundtrack in my mind. The idea of sullying his Christian goodness was ultimately a turn-on…who knew?

Sometimes false deal breakers are distancing excuses in disguise. My friend Paul finds his fun, vivacious girlfriend too hippie because she doesn’t like to wear shoes and wants to “touch the earth” as much as possible. I told him that while maybe a little gross, it was not a Dokken Factor but more of a pet peeve (because they get along beautifully otherwise). They’re still dating and she’s still barefoot a lot. C’est la vie.

Clothing, while not a deal breaker, can certainly be deal altering. A man who constantly dons a baseball cap can dampen my interests (unless you’re a professional baseball player, then don away). Wearing sneakers all the time, a turn-off. With black socks? Extra bleh. T-shirts emblazoned with big logos…corporate lackey. Put out a little effort. Be my eye candy sometimes baby. 

Still, I try to stay open to as many types as possible. While I may never fall for a metal-loving pussy-hating Budweiser t-shirt wearing Christian who thinks old movies are creepy, at least I can give him a shot, right?

Because you never know what someone can bring to the table. He might like Dokken but go down on me like a champ. And in the end that’s all that really matters.