Jaded Sex Advice for the Youth of America

As a single American female in my 40's, I feel it my duty to impart sagely advice to as many young men as possible. As a surfer, I am provided that opportunity. Many young men have approached me with pleas of guidance. And I’m happy to impart.

23-year old Derek has a new girlfriend, he explains to me out in the Jersey waters one steamy morning last week. I congratulate him. He takes a big wave fearlessly and effortlessly. He paddles back and takes a big sigh. I know what’s coming next.

“I’m not so sure about the…sex.”

I take an even bigger sigh.

“What about the…sex.”

“I’m…I’m just not sure she’s having an orgasm.”

“Well, she’s probably not. She’s probably faking it.”

“She said she's having them, but I don’t think she is. She just kinda screams the same way each time and, well…it doesn’t sound very real.”

I ask him to replicate the sound she makes. He does. I ask him to do it again. He does. I’m tempted to ask a third time, but don't want to tempt the gods of funny.

“Hmmm…maybe your technique is lacking. Are you just fucking her mindlessly like a rabbit, without really figuring out what pleases her?”

“Well, not like a rabbit but…”

“Do you go down on her?”

“I did. Once.”

“Wow. Once, huh? What was it, a Christmas present or something?”

“It’s just…I don’t know.” He starts playing with the wax on his board.

“Are you gay?”

Derek stammers and tries to spit out a response, but he’s too aghast. I take a wave and take my time paddling back out to him. He needs to sit with that one for a minute.

“NO! I’M NOT GAY!” he screams at me from afar. Other surfers look his way.

“Then I don’t know why you wouldn’t go down on her. If I were a straight man, you couldn’t keep me away. Is it a hygiene issue?”

“No…no. I just figured, well…I’m doing enough!”

A case of sexual laziness at the ripe old age of 23. Nice.

“Listen, most women take longer to orgasm than men. You have to seduce her, take your time. You have to see what pleases her. And I can almost guarantee you that going down on her pleases her. Trust me. Does she go down on you?”

“Oh yeah, definitely,” he responds proudly.

“Well, she’s not your sexual workhorse. Get busy, man.”

Derek looks deeply into the sparkling waters, concern shrouding his face. I’ve shaken him up a little, I know. It’s been a long week. Had a costly car repair, dealt with a major tax issue and barely talked my way out of a speeding ticket. I wasn’t done imparting my wisdom yet.

“Have you ever thought of a little S & M?”

“What? Like hitting her?”

“Yep. Hitting her.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know. You usually start with the ass. You can move on from there.”

“What if she doesn’t like it?”

“Then slap her harder. Make her like it. Show her whose boss. And try talking dirty to her.”

“What should I say?”

“You want some of this, bitch? Then beg me for it, you filthy little slut….that kind of thing.”

Derek’s jaw is dropped. An incoming wave almost knocks him off of his board.

“Okay, okay. Maybe that’s a little too extreme. Sorry. Just whisper in her ear, ‘You want me to fuck you harder, baby? Is that what you want? Say it.Yeah, baby. There you go. Just take it. Take it, like a good girl.'”

I do this in my breathiest, perviest voice possible.

Derek is wide-eyed and speechless.

“You’re crazy.”

"Like a fox, my friend."

He goes for a wave. For a second, I think he’s going to exit the water. But I know he’ll be back for more. He wants it. Bad.

He paddles back out to me.

“Derek, I just want you to improve your game. There are a lot of surfers out here who’d happily go down on your girlfriend. She’s a hottie. You don’t want to lose her.”

“Well, she’s not going to leave me because I’m not going down on her.”

“I would.”

He looks wounded, angry.

"I mean, not right away. She'll stick around for a while. But ultimately, it's grounds for dismissal."

“Okay, fine. I will.” He folds his arms tightly against his tanned hairless chest, exasperated.

“Listen, go down on her because you want to, not because you’re supposed to. A woman can tell the difference. It’s not like I asked you to mow the damn lawn or something. And don’t worry about the orgasm thing. It will come when it comes...ha! That’s a joke. Get it?”

“Ha. Ha.”

He takes a small wave in and wipes out for some strange reason. He starts heading back to the beach.

"And Derek!"

"What?" he turns around, annoyed.

"Fix something for her. That's always sexy."

He grumbles something.

“Next week, we’ll talk anal!” I shout cheerfully. The other surfers glance over at me.

I look around me at the vastness of the ocean, thoughtfully. Tonight, I will bring some young woman a little closer to an orgasm. It’s a small contribution to the world, I know. But I feel pleased nonetheless.

"Anal." I repeat and smile.